“It was a struggle when I was younger, I was 21 and I haven’t even graduated when she was born. Financially I was poorly off, life was challenging for quite some years. Still I traveled a lot with her and we did volunteering work, I remember when I was in university she was there sleeping on the library floor. Everything I did she came with me.
None of my friends had kids back then and it was difficult to keep up with them, because you have new responsibilities and not everyone was so understanding. The responsibility was heavy, because I didn’t have a baby sitter. People reacted in different ways.
When I got pregnant with Elsa I thought of doing an abortion. But on the last night before I was to go to the clinic I felt there was something bigger telling me not to do it, it was the strangest moment I’ve felt.
It was a presence in the room, I guess the only way I can say it is, a God, so I started believing there was some God out there. So I didn’t go to the clinic that morning, it was a feeling so strong, telling me not to go ahead with the abortion.
There was a reason for why she was born, even if she has been brought up without her dad which I think is a shame and with no contact – but I know that there is a reason why she was born.
We really said this happened, and after I decided to keep the child, he was supportive and wanted to try and make it work, as well as his family. We got engaged but that’s when I saw that I was going to be so unhappy with this guy – he was over possessive, jealous, and angry.
Her dad is not married and living in Australia, but I think he is traveling around the world with a Russian girlfriend. He’s very rich and he didn’t pay for child support.
He was my boyfriend and we had broken up for a long time as it wasn’t stable. We didn’t get along very well, I think it was a cultural thing, he was from a very Italian upbringing with a strict dad, and he had the view that he would decide things for me and what I could do. And I was on the total opposite end, in a Scandinavian way of seeing how women are free. It was a clash.
I’m really happy that we’re not together seeing how things could have gone. Of course I want her dad to be around, but in terms of personality you’re better off alone than being with someone that makes you unhappy.
We were fighting and arguing – we tried for years, and I still kept thinking there would be a chance for us to be together and change and be a family. But it was not meant to be. There was an awkward situation where I went to talk to him about our situation and at the cafe there was a woman staring at me…turns out she was his partner.
Sometimes no matter how much you’ve tried, things aren’t just the way to be. A broken life can still be made whole. As I got older, I realized ‘broken’ is the new norm. Do the best you can , try to build up from it, draw from the ‘broken-ness’ to build something beautiful, draw from the shadows to bring light. Nothing is perfect.
Today Elsa is 11 and its been a journey seeing life again through a child’s eyes and especially traveling like this – its a double discovery as you’re discovering your own self and through her own eyes. And I think she’s been amazing because she’s adapted to so many new countries and friends and here in Malaysia she goes to a French school. It has been a blessing in that sense.
If Elsa is to see this message 20 years from now, I want to tell her that I hope that we can still do amazing things, just like how we just got back from climbing Mount Kinabalu, she was so strong and running up ahead.
I hope we can continue doing crazy things together, and who knows I might get other children in the future along the way, I still hope we can have fun in the future and that she is able to pursue her dreams both in love and work.
She’s got these crazy passions and tells me how she wants to be a singing football player who is also a hairdresser. Whatever it is, my message to her will be to stay strong and courageous, and I will always be there for you.”
*This is Alva’s story. Alva worked in KL for quite some time and has since left Malaysia with Elsa due to work. We wish the best for the both of them.
Photo story by Mushamir Mustafa — with Alva Bruun.
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(This post was first published on February 12th 2018)
