“My psychiatrist was very receptive of my masterplan.”

I was in boarding school when I began having grand delusional optimistic thoughts about God calling for me in the Heaven. Like somehow my body would disintegrate on Earth and I’d beam myself up. I couldn’t keep my joy and shared it with my teacher. Then I ended in a hospital. We didn’t even wait for the ambulance. At age 15, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type I.

My psychiatrist was very receptive of my masterplan. She asked how I’d imagine school and life be like if I was to live. When she told me that people don’t feel the way I feel about God; that I had to take medication to bring me back to the “normal” experience; I crumbled. Heaven can wait, she suggested, that maybe I should live the life I wanted first. 

I believed her. But things didn’t go well beyond the psychiatrist room. People condemned me that I’d joined the cult and would go to Hell for not believing in the one true God but some other Gods I constructed in my head. It made me feel very unloved by certain parts of this community and God Himself. So I decided, if God hated me and put me through this, then I didn’t want Him anymore. 

I put my faith aside for about 7 years. I went through the first 2 years without medication and I wasn’t well. I was very angry at the situation and not having control over myself. So I made an attempt for suicide. Then I thought about the headlines for the next day. I was going to be misrepresented anyway and I didn’t want that to happen.  I stopped. 

Alhamdullilah that God has then put the right people in my path. They help me regain trust in people, community and God again. I have yet to resolve all my internal conflicts but I can now stand on my own two feet. It’s time to pay forward the kindness.

Photostory and edited by Hui Wen

Photo by Aiman Mustafa

 

 

“I used to ask when can I recover from my Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder.”

“The incident in 2015 set a trigger. I began losing sleep. I threw up suddenly. I had frequent panic attacks. I couldn’t drive for months. But I decided to just ignore it, thinking I’d get better throughout the year. Which I did. Then they came haunting again last year but even severe. On Dec 21, I fell into the hole.

I was alone at home and got very anxious that early morning after a sleepless night, as usual, despite not sleeping the day before too. I thought I’d be more relaxed after performing my prayers at the surau and talking to my friends. I was desperate to calm myself, help me sleep, or just be gone. Nothing worked so I took the pills and began cutting myself. 

I was found in time. I used to ask when can I recover from my Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. It’s been three months. Then six. I tried to convince myself then I was, am and will be normal. Until I slowly began to accept that I’m unwell mentally and I’m unlike the norm. Upon joining MIASA I saw that many people, too, are struggling and trying to survive. I’m not alone in this.

When we talk about mental health, it’s easy for people to focus on just depression but it’s more than that. For some, it’s easy to claim themselves as having depression but it’s more than that. Please get a professional diagnosis before you claim it. Because to me, it’s really a dark place for you to be in, and I don’t want that. “

A Day in Prison

Last Sunday, Humans of KL was invited to visit the Bentong prison as they are partnering with Resorts World Genting for a program called ‘Beauty Behind the Wall’ which aims to equip female inmates with culinary skills. Ever since then, I just can’t stop sharing my prison experience with my friends because it was that eye opening.

Besides the female inmates’ culinary workshop, we had a tour around the prison and we visited the male inmates’ textile workshop. We were given a brief on the rules and we were told that we can’t talk to the inmates.

People say that ‘the eyes tell a story more than a tongue’ and it’s true. There were some scary eyes, they will stare at you and it sent chill down my spine; there were regretful eyes, which tells us how ashamed they are; there were hopeless eyes, which tells us how much that they want to be heard.

And there were their hands, they all had a pair of scarred hands. Those hands sent themselves to prison, and those hands are the same hands that are trying to rewrite their own future.

‘Why’, ‘What’, and ‘How’ filled my mind.

‘Why are you here?’

‘What have you done?’

‘How can I help you?’

From the conversation I had with the prison officers, I learned about the causes and consequences of being in a prison, and their personal views of the imprisonment and the rehabilitation system.

When we were leaving the prison, some of them leaned forward to the tiny little window like they were sending us off. At that moment, it felt like they were asking for a second visit as they have lost connection with the outside world for so long.

This is one of the reasons that I joined HOKL, it’s that I get to practice what I preach, and it widens my perspective in life over and over again. It fills me with great pride that I can make an impact. Even if I manage to make just one small contribution, then all this effort would have been worthwhile.

Written by Samantha Siow

Originally from: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/day-prison-siow-san-san-samantha

“The difference is, she is a Muslim while I’m Chinese”

“We both grew up in Kota Bharu, Kelantan and we’ve maintained a great friendship since we were 13. We both study in an all-girls school, hang out in the surau during recess and more or less are the class clowns. We also speak fluent Kelantanese to each other, even though we have moved to KL to work.

The difference is, she is a Muslim while I’m Chinese. I have bright red hair and tattoos while she is a conservative girl who dons the hijab. Whenever we walk together in shopping malls or have dinner after work, we received curious stares from passers-by.

She’s never judgmental and accepts me for who I am, and I do the same for her. I’d like to think that’s how 1Malaysia should be. We’re not just tolerant of each other, but we embrace and celebrate our differences.”

 

“Health is my wealth”

“What was the happiest day of your life?”
“Most days I’m happy because my body is very healthy – and my age is 60. When I pray to God, I pray for my health. Health is my wealth.”

By fellow contributor Tabinda Mumtaz Sultan Shah

“It is a symbol of strength”

“That is a long moustache”.

“Its a tradition that goes back to the 16th century, where all my male ancestors would keep a similar moustache. It is a symbol of strength. I’ve kept it for 15 years already, and I cut it sometimes when its really long – because if I hadn’t it would be much, much longer than it is now. And out of all the officers I’m the only with this so people usually say I’m the unique one”.

“This moustache is my source of pride, history and honour”.

Teddy Mobile Clinic Observations

Overview of their Routine

Teddy Mobile Clinic’s team usual meeting point would often be at Jalan Hang Lekiu, in front of Segi College, KL.

By 9:30 p.m. they will be setting up their shop – consisting of makeshift tables and chairs, all methodically placed.

This also includes makeshift tables for the Clinic’s new clients who register under the Kechara Soup Kitchen Society – a charitable non-profit organization inspired by H.E. Tsem Rinpoche to help marginalised communities.

There are also makeshift tables for returning patients all arranged on the sidewalk of the street.

After a patient registers, they move on to another table where their blood pressure and sugar level are checked, and then they go to designated tables for their doctor’s consultation, all free of charge.

After seeing the doctors, they move on to the pharmacist’s table to collect their medicines.

Bentong Prison Observation and Thoughts

“On the day that the prisoners will be released, the Director/Warden will be there, and a list of his bio, weight before and after prison, crimes and time served will be called out. We then give a test to see if they have changed and improved themselves. Each inmate will go to a religious class and be assigned their guru. If you’re Muslim you go to the Islamic classes and if you’re Buddhist or Hindu you go to those religious classes. We tell them ‘when you walked in here, you were empty, you did not know many good things. You now leave with goodness in you‘.

The majority of prisoners here are Malays, about 60% of them, with 40% Chinese and Indians. There are 3000 inmates in this prison, and 200 of them are women. The women are imprisoned mostly because of drugs, and the men’s crimes vary from drugs to rape and assault. However, most of the prisoners are there because of drug-related crimes.

For inmates, their uniforms vary in color. We measure them by months. If you’re here for more than 12 months, you will be wearing dark blue uniforms. Those who had attempted to escape out of prison will be wearing those black and white striped uniforms.

They spend their time doing work – we pay them and they gain valuable skills that they can use after they have served their sentence.

Death row prisoners (those who have been served death sentences and are awaiting their time) are not allowed to go out and work. They are secured in the maximum-security cells, with only 1 hour a day given to go out on a break.

Their food and meals are special too – the chicken that we serve does not contain any bones. This is because they can potentially use this to end their own life.

Going up the rolling hills of Genting, we end up at Bentong prison. They briefed us, we had our bags and had our bodies thoroughly checked for items that are not supposed to be in there. No phones, knives, allowed to be brought in, and no bags either.

I only walked in with my watch, pen (no notepad), Nikon D610 camera with the 70-20mm lens and the Canon G7X Mark II.

The event was organized with Resort Genting and the DYTM Tengku Puan Pahang Tunku Hajah Azizah Aminah Maimunah, where along with famed Chef Vitalise have taught the women on how to create fine Malay cuisine. These foods ranging from sweet to savory, and they had all been compiled in her cooking books.

While a Princess could have better things to do, it was great and heartening to see that she had spent all this time with the female inmates, in that hot sweaty condition teaching them life lessons. The fact that a member of the royalty mixed around with those who had committed crimes and might be possibly dangerous is ennobling.

And to see hardcore uber-masculine men who have shifty, hardened eyes, working on the intricacies of textile and sowing, weaving songket items of clothing seemed odd in some sense – a usually female activity, in a female industry (fashion – although thinking about it all great fashion houses are built by men like Ralph Lauren, Michael Kors, and Louis Vuitton.

I hope that these men aren’t just playing nice when armed officers and wardens are there, and when they are out there in the world they will go back to their bad ways. That is in itself sad and heartbreaking to see.

But looking at it from my gut feeling – I didn’t see bad evil human beings. I saw men who were born into poverty, those without education and had nothing else better to do, had to do other things to survive in this world and did not have the same opportunities – education mostly – as us lucky few to climb out of the circle of poverty.

Because it is just sad to see them released to the world, hoping and wanting to start a new better life but because of stigma and lack of resources/education to move up higher in the world, that they would revert back to their previous behaviors.”

 

Written by Mushamir Mustafa

“I chose to use my voice to fight for the freedom and liberation of my people.”

[In Character] My name is Shivani Chandra, a first-generation Indian migrant. I come from a family of power and privilege, hence I chose to use my voice to fight for the freedom and liberation of my people. At first, I thought everything in life was positive and optimistic, but instead, it broke me into pieces, knowing that Mr Veerasamy thought of me as a nobody, but here I am today, as my own woman and star campaigner for MIC. Furthermore, it’s utterly disappointing that the majority thinks that the way to education is of the Western world. How can you learn to appreciate any other culture when you are not given the opportunity to appreciate your very own culture?

The year 1955, I came into Malaya in hopes of a brighter future, instead came to the realization that Malaya was under the British administration. To my fellow Indian immigrants who are coming here, we came here in search of hopes and dreams, but we have not won our independence like how Gandhi did for India. But now that you are here, this is your land and this is your nation, fight for it and never ever lose hope. 

MALAYA RELIVED

The second installment of Liver & Lung of immersive musical series, which seeks to unveil the cultural challenges our ancestors had to overcome in their fight for Malayan independence.