“If I’m fearless, I would go to every stranger that I see and tell them that if they are having a bad day, try to think positively – but I’m afraid they might think I’m crazy. If I’m fearless I would choose to go to a new place every single day – but I’m afraid that I have responsibilities and achievements to prove myself. If I’m fearless I would also tell everybody whose afraid of something that fear is the only thing that’s stopping you from essentially being yourself. Because I think people nowadays, they are insecure and fear judgments. They say a lot of things, but at the end of the day its the action that matters and unfortunately before the action even starts its always the fear that precedes first. I suppose its human nature but I believe that’s how we grow as humans, we learn to conquer our fears. So its not a bad thing, but its something that we can learn from.”
‘I’m proud of my Indian heritage and besides that I always change my fashion. I usually wear really tight pants, like no balls breathing. And loose clothes too. I love piercings, and my ultimate goal was to do it on my nose, it’s really cool! When I was young my mom was telling my cousin why a lot of Indians have a lot of piercings…and apparently it’s to tame one’s own soul. It’s like this Indian thing. They believe that the more you pierce the more you clear your soul, and it’s related with Thaipusam. And I’m very ‘psycho’ also so I need some taming! And I am proud that I am empowering ‘Macha-ness!’
‘I have dreams, and if somebody cannot fulfill it I will think of other people who can fulfill it. So during that time the other guy was more outdoorsy than my husband and I felt that he could fulfill my wishes.
‘My husband and I have totally different personalities. He’s very quiet, and I’m the extrovert, bubbly type of person. Like yin and yang….we have conflicts where both lines meet.
‘Because of that friction between us we cannot tolerate each other. So when you feel lonely you will find other options, such as with your pet cats. For me, I found another man.
‘I thought that maybe with him I could travel around the world.
‘My husband and I had a big fight because I wanted to go and he wanted me to stay. I told him maybe this is not the right way for us.
‘For me, if you love each other you will fight for each other. I told him that marriage requires two people, not one, and if you don’t want to fight for this marriage, I cannot fight for this marriage.
‘He told me how I was the one for him, how I changed his life, and when a guy kneels in front of you and begs at you like crazy – well I felt that he’s the right guy for me because he’s fighting for me.
‘I also thought that in marriage you have to look at the bright side of people. Maybe he ‘hurted’ me because he is not an outdoor person and doesn’t go out with me that often, but he is the one who pays my bills or helps carry the groceries, he’s there if you need someone to talk to – there are positive things as well. And maybe he just has to be more like me, and me more like him.
‘Maybe its just my fate. And you have to think about yours and his family as well. I thought that rather than be selfish, why not I think about other people and those who are happy that we are together, so I stayed on.
‘The journey to get married might take 4 years but your journey after that is 30 years. You can impress someone for 4 years, but make sure you can impress them for 30 years after that as well. Small things can become bigger things, that’s very crucial in marriage.
‘You have to keep up your effort after you get married, and even in dating, to ensure the marriage is blooming.
‘And I realized about the other guy – yes sure he is a somebody, but maybe its just not meant to be and was just a one-off thing, a light crush, even though I met him just once, and nothing happened.
‘And that it was just a fantasy.
‘And I don’t even dare to cheat and have affairs… I don’t like it.
‘Because I believe that whatever comes around, goes around’.
“No one else is here and I get the pool for myself, while they are out eating. I like to keep myself fit, and the entrance fee is just RM6. The only hassle is that I have to get in and out of my ‘Speedos’ every time I come here! “
‘I was a ADHD kid, and suffering from it. That time I was quite young and my school teachers never liked me because I was too active, and I gave them so much headaches because I was a troublesome kid.
‘I didn’t know I had this until I was studying Psychology and I found it by myself. I never went for treatment but it just fixed itself – maybe because I am active and outgoing with people.
‘I’m not from a rich family and I don’t want to burden my family therefore I choose to work and pay my own school fees. It’s not easy for me as currently I’ve to work, study and prepare for my project (the Asia Pacific Youth Exchange summer program) which will be coming soon, in which I want to deal with education.
I believe that education is everything as it relates with all of the Sustainable Development Goals under the United Nations, and everyone should have the right to study and have adequate education, because without education they are not able to understand, work or change the world. And I will do my best to share my knowledge to the other people, especially in the rural areas.
“ These are the assignments that gave a lot of impact in my career and me, personally. I even remember spending a night with the ex-chief of the Communist Party of Malaya (PKM) and, one of the stories that I can never forget was when I interviewed the prisoners who are waiting to be hanged.
“I met up with three male prisoners, one from each race. I got permission to interview them in one day. The Malay guy, who I don’t remember his name now, had already spent seven years in the Kajang prison cell.
“I was afraid – even though he was in the cell and I was interviewing him from outside the cell. His offence was murder. I thought to myself ‘Oh my God, he’s a death row prisoner, waiting for death, and he had killed someone.’
“The prisoner noticed how uncomfortable I was and told me ‘Bang, abang rileks je bang, sebab I tak akan ape-ape kan bang (Bro, just relax bro, because I won’t harm you), and said the longer you interview me, the more you will like me. His statement wasn’t funny, but it made me wonder, why did he say that?
“He told me he had been in the cell for 23 hours and living like that for seven years. So, if I took a part of his time, he would feel relieved to even be able to go out of the area,” because prisoners are only allowed to ‘go out’ for one hour, along the passageway in front of their cells.
“His last words to me were, if given the chance to either be hanged or wait furthermore in prison, he would choose to be hanged. When I asked ‘Why? Don’t you want to live longer?’
‘He told me, you can become a crazy man being inside here. You will go crazy because 23 hours I don’t do anything, just staring at the walls, in a 10×10 cell space – one can go crazy’.
There was a bit of silence, before he continued:
“He even made his own tattoo on his forearm because he really loved his wife and children. According to the Malay man, in Pahang, his wife did not mean to accidentally kill someone over a misunderstanding with a business transaction, as one of the items were fake.
“So, in the ensuing fight, she accidentally killed the other person. When he got back home, he said because of his love for her, he disposed the body and took responsibility for the killing.
“As they both were driving towards KL, I don’t remember how many days after, but they were stopped at a roadblock and they were caught. In court, he admitted that he was the murderer. He took responsibility – this was based on his story to me.
“He said when he was convicted, his wife promised to be faithful to him, but in the seven years he was in prison, not once did she come to visit him, which is why he made his own tattoo on his underarm because he really loved his children and her.
“It’s a really sad story if it’s true, and he has claimed that he is not lying and not guilty, but has submitted himself to God.”
“The Chinese man I think, was convicted of murder, but I don’t remember much details. But yes, all three men said if they were given the chance to be hanged immediately, they would take it.
“They all could not stand the waiting in prison, as the process goes from the High Court to the Federal Court and then the Sultan. The whole waiting process, it’s just a lot of mental torture for them.
“All three men have gone through the court of appeal but of course they have been unsuccessful.
“The Indian man whom I met goes by the name of ‘Lan’, after converting to Islam fully. He had a Malay girlfriend who worked in a bank, and they both come from Kuala Selangor, Sungai Besar.
“He was a drug dealer who spent a lot of money on his girlfriend and sacrificed a lot for her, even giving her a car. He sold drugs to make money and one day got caught. The punishment is of course, the death sentence.
“His last words to me were, that if I ever went to Sungai Besar, please do go and see his (now ex) girlfriend and give her his salam (regards) and love to her, and it was because of her that he got caught.
“His girlfriend also never visited him. I felt pity for them, especially for the husband who took the fall for his wife, but for the drug dealers, that was their own action and mistake and they knew what they were getting themselves into.
“But I heard that two years after speaking to Lan, I got a call from one of my interns saying that he was released and got a pardon. He said thank you for featuring and portraying me on TV, so he called me the day he got released.
“The other two, I don’t know what happened to them.
“I also managed to meet with the Ustaz who was the religious counsel for Muslims before they go to their end, but has now retired around a decade ago.
“He told me that, for the Muslims, right after they give their last salam in their prayers, two wardens will take them to the execution room.
“Most of them are not able to walk afterwards, nor can they walk because they know they are heading to their death.”
“The ustaz told me that at least, you know your date (of death). Because of that, prisoners become very religious and pray a lot. Unlike most of us out here, we are healthy and say accident happens, but we wouldn’t know when we will die.
“But for them, these special people, maybe they were chosen – because they know they are going to die. They know the time and location of their death when the Director comes and informs them they will be hanged the next day.
“So they are able to pray and focus and atone for their sins. That is the only advantage that they get.”
“They did mention not to do bad things like this to the people outside, look at what happens to them. It’s the law if you commit a crime. They admitted that they were in the wrong, regret for what they did, and if they are to be pardoned, pardon them now, or if they are to hang, hang them now, because of the mental torture.
“Don’t do bad things, don’t break the law. I feel grateful that we have a normal life compared to them’.
“I miss my family a lot and the last Eid-ul-Adha was my first Eid without my family. I know I have to sacrifice many things to get to my destination and this is part of the journey to get there.”
“Money for me is, well if you can put money aside, you will actually see what the world is about. There are other things that are so much better than money and my happiest memory was the day when I realized that a human being can grow – and has limitless potential. “
“The day that I realized that, that made me happy. We have free will and should be able to pursue whatever we want to pursue. The day that I realized that, was the day my course of life changed. I became free. Yes we are still dependent on money today, but maybe one day money will be obsolete, and that will be a fun thing to see.”
